


can you take me back where i came from

by attentionmerrymakers



Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/F, Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-03-19
Updated: 2012-03-19
Packaged: 2017-11-02 05:37:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,907
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/365519
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/attentionmerrymakers/pseuds/attentionmerrymakers
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A histrionic history.</p>
            </blockquote>





	can you take me back where i came from

**Author's Note:**

> so who else thinks that maybe dirk & jade & equius would just have this super cool robot building club and together they build these sickass rapping robots who are strong and can also fly?
> 
> (ps ill fix all the html one day  
> but today is not that day)

(years in the past:)

i.

They meet in 9th grade auto class, where after a month of coloring in diagrams of pistons Roxy waves her hand in the air and asks, quite straight-faced, about teleportation devices.

The teacher puts her in the back of the class where Dirk is taking up two and a half tables with his project.

For about a week, she comes in and kicks her feet up onto the table and texts behind her backpack for fifty minutes.

Ten days in she glances at the metal casing and asks,

"So what's it gonna do?"

Dirk thinks about it.

"Rap, probably," he says. "Maybe clean and cook."

Roxy whistles through her teeth.

"That's cool," she says. "How the hell d'you make it rap?"

So he hands her the preliminary programming algorithms and she sets her phone down.

"What's his name?" she asks, gesturing with the papers.

"Doesn't have one."

She grins.

(after days of half-serious contributions like "Bishop from Aliens" and "robot Busta Rhymes" they settle on Squarewave.)

"Where do you eat?" she asks at the bell one day. "Not, like, your favorite restaurants. I mean at lunch."

"I usually don't."

She makes a solemn face.

“We must fatten you up,” she says.

“The band kids use my ribcage as a xylophone,” he agrees.

She laughs at that.

"So there are a shitton of bees at our table," she says, walking out the door with him. "You can't kill any."

 

He meets Jane then; the receiver of what Dirk finds out are all one-sided texts in auto class.

"I refuse to text you in Culinary,” Jane says, eating a sandwich with the crusts cut off. "It's unethical."

"You don't text me in Geometry either," says Roxy, solving the word find on Dirk's chocolate milk. "

"We have the same class!"

"Yeah, but not really, you're as far away from me as humanly possible, it's terrifying. I'm just like 'triangles, who even cares?' And no one answers!"

"It's very nice to meet you," Jane says to Dirk, ignoring Roxy's indignant 'hey!' "I'm afraid I've formed this horribly inaccurate mental image of you from Roxy's stories."

"It happens," says Dirk. "She says you bake."

"Like an addict," says Roxy, and Jane smiles and tucks a strand of hair behind her ear.

 

They exchange numbers and chumhandles and email addresses. Objectively, Dirk knows that he was done for when he first sat down at their table, but he likes to pretend his downfall wasn't until he started giving Roxy rides to school.

“What’s the story, morning glory?” she says, slamming the door and kicking her feet up on the dashboard.

“Put on your seatbelt.”

“Nope.”

“Thanks for changing all the preset stations to smooth jazz, incidentally, that was like the butter on the English muffin of my day.”

“That’s what you get for taking so goddamn long.” She turns on the radio. “We should go to Six Flags.”

Usually he speeds but now he drives very, very carefully.

It's all about the passengers.

\-- gutsyGumshoe (GG) began pestering timaeusTestified (TT) at 6:49 pm--

GG: Have you done your homework yet?

TT: You could say that.

GG: I'm taking that as a “why no, miss crocker, I have sorely neglected my studies!" :B 

TT: It's way beyond negligence. They’re malnourished and underfed and crying for help from within the closet.

GG: Do your homework or I’ll call CPS posthaste!

TT: You god damn nosy neighbor.

GG: "He was always so quiet, officer."

GG: On second thought, that is horsefeathers.

GG: You are not at all quiet.

TT: Yeah, you're gonna need more incriminating evidence than that.

GG: “He always wore caps on his shirts, officer.”

TT: The cop’ll just nod wearily like he’s heard it all before.

GG: “Typical serial killer behavior, that.”

TT: Always the hats on their shirts.

GG: I’m fairly certain Charles Manson wore a chapeau on his sweater!

TT: Jack the Ripper had a suit entirely made out of top hats.

GG: The Boston Strangler--

GG: No! This is silly, go do your homework.

TT: Did you read Roxy’s essay?

GG: …Should I be concerned?

TT: Nah. I proofread it.

GG: Oh gosh. *Now * I’m concerned.

TT: She misspelled 38 words, excluding homophones.

GG: …

GG: Something has been bothering her lately and I haven’t a clue what.

GG: But I’m sure as heck going to find out.

TT: Gusty gumshoe that you are.

GG: Darn right. Will you assist me in this investigation??

TT: Consider yourself the fuckin’ Starsky to my Hutch, Crocker.

GG: Hoohoohoo.

GG: *dons iconic glasses *

TT: Aight, I’m gonna go finish the goddamn homework.

GG: Yes!!

TT: Later.

GG: Night! :B

\--timaeusTestified (TT) ceased pestering gutsyGumshoe (GG) at 7:13 pm--

 

\--tipsyGnostalgic (TG) began pestering timaeusTestified (TT) at 7:12 am--

TG: so hey

TG: im not gonna be here 2day

TG: so cab u walk jane 2 all her classes plz

TG: *can whoopsie

TT: Yeah.

TT: Why won't you be here?

TG: im soooo sick

TG: im jus tripping over all this sick

TG: tbh its more like im choking on it

TG: or swimmin in it

TG: lmao thats disgustung

TG: but w/e

TG: *disgusting

TG: does disgustung sound germsn 2 u???

TT: Are you drunk?

TG: lol

TT: So that's a yes.

TG: shhhh no of cousre not

TT: Roxy.

TT: I know you bring it to school.

TG: omfg look @ mister smart guy

TG: ur liek a fucking detective

TT: What should I tell Jane?

TG: tell jane im sick

TG: with bieber fever

TG: mincidentally how long have u known

TT: A while.

TG: smh

TG: dont be coy

TT: A few months.

TG: k

TT: That's when you started, right?

TG: damn u rly r a detective

TG: quik wat am i wearing

TT: I have to go, okay?

TG: so youll walk jane to class,/span>

TT: Yeah, don't worry about it.

TG: & u wont tell her :(

TT: 'Course not.

TG: auuuuuugh

TG: ***kisses yr face***

TT: Gotta go.

TG: bye

\--timaeusTestified (TT) ceased pestering tipsyGnostalgic (TG) at 7:32 am--

shit just droped smoething

-text from Roxy Lalonde (RL) to Dirk Strider (DS), 10:43 am

glass errywhere

-text from Roxy Lalonde (RL) to Dirk Strider (DS), 10:44 am

He opens the door.

"Hello?"

Roxy's house is like a museum, cold and marble, clinical and dusty. The furniture in the living room looks like it hasn't been used for months.

"Oh my god," says a voice from the kitchen.

When he walks in she's sitting at the table, drinking rum from a bottle.

"Man, you're a delinquent now," she tells him, lolling her head back and forth. "All up and skipping school. Please don't judge me for the bottle, I forgot how to pour things into a glass about a half hour ago."

"I see you made quite the mess," he says, glancing at the pristine kitchen floor. "Look at all that fucking glass."

"I meant, you know, metaphorical glass," she says. “Or metaphysical. Maybe both. Siddown?”

He sits down.

"You have a problem," he says. She raises her eyebrows. "And I don't mean the malapropisms, or the alcohol, or the playing me for a chump."

"What do you mean, then?"

"Your absentee mother."

"She's just busy," says Roxy, picking at the label on the bottle.

"Have you tried talking to her?"

"Don't even pretend like that would work," says Roxy. "Your brother's the same goddamn way. We're two of a stupid kind, you and me."

"How do you know about my bro?"

Roxy shrugs.

"You're always online real late. I dunno."

They sit in silence for a minute.

"Hey," says Roxy, grabbing his hand. "If you want, I could take care of you." She grins, suddenly. "I'll, y'know, tell you when to go to bed and nag you when you forget to eat. How's that sound?"

"Better," says Dirk.

(they watch movies for the rest of the afternoon, Roxy playing indiscernible drinking games and challenging Dirk to quote-offs when they watch ‘Mean Girls.’ He even does the voices.)

 

ii.

In sophomore English he flips a note onto Roxy's desk and she winks at him and pretends to look around for the teacher before opening it.

Who's that new kid?

which one theres like fifteen

Two rows over, one seat up.

ooooooh thats jake ;)

jane says he is a ~dreamboat~ lol

Your opinion?

mega dreamboat

I meant more along of the lines of, y’know, where he stands on ethical and political issues, but sure, okay.

pfft w/e u dont give a shit about that

so wats up u got beef w/ him

No. Nor pork, or chicken, or any variety of meat.

He seems weird.

hes not WIRED

Hope not.

oops

*weird

dont beat op the newkid k

Nah. Want me to ask him to sit with us?

holy hell

YES

u would b my hero

and jaens

Okay.

 

He doesn’t, technically, _ask._ In a manner of speaking. What he does is strike up a conversation and continue it out the door and spill it into the hallway so that really, all he has to do then is jab a thumb at Roxy and Jane’s table and do a douchey sort of inquiring head tilt.

 

Jake tells stories that make Jane giggle and make Roxy spit out her chocolate milk.

Dirk attempts to place the bare facts about Jake English into a tidy filing cabinet in his mind like everything else, neat and compartmentalized and orderly.

It doesn't work.  

 

The day that Jake holds a door open for him and gallantly says “No, no, Strider, by all means, ladies first,” and grins in a rude sort of way when people laugh, three things happen.

1) Dirk’s heart attempts to punch itself in the pulmonary arch.

2) He scrawls a line graph with the basic formula of x = ab if x is proximity to Jake English and a is physiological reactions and b is physchological reactions.

3) Roxy asks him for his fries and he absentmindedly hands her his napkin, earning him a suspicious look.

 

\--tipsyGnostalgic (TG) began pestering timaeusTestified (TT) at 9:23 pm--

TG: u gots a cruuuuuuuuuuuuuuush

TT: That is about 14 too many u's for one sentence.

TG: dude its totes obvs

TG: that u...

TG: hvae got the hots......

TG: for.................

TT: Wait, okay.

TT: Are we playing at being honest now?

TT: Because if we're doing this, we're fucking doing this.

TG: lets do it

TT: Aight.

TT: Let us speak, for a moment, hypothetically.

TG: im all ears

TT: Prefacing this insane amount of hypothetical theory I’m about to lay down,

TT: You like Jane, right?

TG: brb

\--tipsyGnostalgic (TG) is now an idle chum!--

TG: back

TG: sorry needed a stiff drink to get thru this convo

TG: n e way

TG: sure d-stride

TG: suuuure

TG: *rolls eyes *

TT: Look.

TG: *looks *

TT: Stop that.

TG: *stops it *

TT: I’m trying to have one of those mystical, vaguely legendary “meaningful conversations” I’ve read so much about in 16 magazine.

TG: tehy rnt real

TG: theyre a madeup thing

TG: just like fairies and unicorns are madeup things

TG: oh btw i made up an eomticon 4 u

TG: /:P

TT: I see. I'm a mocking dude with weird hair.

TG: nonono

TG: the p is ur hat thta u dont wear

TT: Oh.

TT: You know what,

TT: I kinda like it.

TT: Hold on a sec.

TT: \\(o7o)/Y

TG: omfg is that me w/ my martin glass???

TG: *martini

TG: yesss

TG: ok so where were we

TT: We were talking about hypothetical crushes that may or may not exist.

TT: Christ, that was really redundant.

TG: yeh

TG: i dont have one of those just fyi

TG: i dun have a reel one either 

TT: Aren't your feet wet?

TG: from wut

TT: From standing in de Nile.

TG: lol

TG: 2 funny

TG: ur a real fuckin comedien

TG: but dont quit ur day jbo

TG: n e way 

TG: stop distacting me

TG: uve got teh hots

TT: Basically.

TG: wtf

TT: What? 

TG: lolidk

TG: expcted u to get all

TG: defnsive i guess

TT: Roxy, if I tried to tell you,

TT: "It seems you're sorely mistaken. I have none of the hots. In fact any feelings I carry for my best bro are completely platonic through-and-through and in no way do they resemble a crush,"

TT: a) You would see right through that because you are in the possession of a bizarrely accurate shit-detector,

TT: and b) I'm not going to bother with that murky cloud of uncertainty that so often plagues the adolescent masses.

TT: Because it's a fucking waste of time.

TG: ur so cute wen ur flusteered.

TG: u get all

TG: ~*verbose*~

TT: Huh.

TT: Okay, so I spilled my guts. 

TT: In fact I committed god damn seppuku all over my keyboard.

TT: I foresee regret in my very near future.

TT: Your turn.

TG: wuh

TG: no

TG: my instesins are staying where they r

TG: firmly plantd 

TG: in mah stomach

TT: I can wait.

TG: ughhhhh

TG: fine 

TG: yes

TG: yes o do have big squishy warm feelsings

TG: for jane crocker

TG: they are thr squishiest and warmest feelings ever

TG: like a paltter of the gooiest preabked cookies

TT: Yeah.

TG: yep

TT: Good talk.

TG: c u tmrw

\--tipsyGnostalgic (TG) ceased pestering timaeusTestified () at 10:11--

 

 

Jake’s grandmother, Dirk discovers, is a lovely woman who within five minutes of meeting him sets her sleeve on fire with a Bunsen burner.

 

Dirk goes “shit” and puts it out with a nearby dishtowel and Jake’s grandmother laughs at him.

“God, that’s nothing,” she says, and shows him how her left pinky could bend back to her wrist.

When Jake comes back from the kitchen he finds his grandmother and Dirk discussing the proper placement of a circuit breaker.

I want to steal Jake’s grandma.

-text sent from Dirk Strider (DS) to Roxy Lalonde (RL,/span>), 4:11 pm

iant she fuckin sweet???

-text sent from Roxy Lalonde (RL) to Dirk Strider (), 4:13 pm

The tenth or eleventh time he visits Jake’s house,  (it's the twelfth, but he likes to pretend that he doesn't know better) Jake's grandma peers at him over her coke bottle glasses, gives him a shit-eating grin, and crows,

"You're in love." 

"With this god damn flan," he says, eyeballing the window behind her and wondering if she could stop him before he jumped. 

"With my _grandson_ ," she says, and waggles her eyebrows. 

Dirk has carefully crafted speeches for this sort of thing, contingency plans for every scenario.  He opens his mouth, aiming for surprise with just the right tinge of denial.

What comes out is,

"Yeah, pretty much." 

She pushes the platter of flan towards him and rests her chin in her hands, the universal sign for "go on."

iii.

\--timaeusTestified (TT) began pestering tipsyGnostalgic (TG) at 11:29 pm--

TT: I feel clichéd.

TG: ur nto cliched

TT: I feel hackneyed.

TG: u r the opposite of hackneyed

TT: I feel like every misunderstood teenager in a John Hughes film multiplied by an artificially awkward socially inept cardboard stereotype from a Disney flick.

TG: & divided by teh sitcosm

TT: Yes, divided by the sitcoms.

TG: divded by the sitcoms would be a beauteous name 4 a band

TT: Basically what I am saying is that this is ridiculous, and I’m completely fuckin’ aware that it’s ridiculous, yet my shameful self-awareness does nothing to dispel it.

TG: isnt luv ~grand~

TT: I appreciate your biting sarcasm at times like this.

TG: i wuz like 

TG: 2 percent geneinune

TG: maybs

TT: Is your mom back yet?

TG: lmfao 

TG: nope

TT: Jesus.

TG: inorait

TT: I'm coming over.

TG: were having an emergncy hp marathon

 

TT: Can we skip Chamber of Secrets?

TT: It tends to drag.

TG: no we canot

TT: Damn.

TG: jk strider 

TG: u bet we can sikp it

TT: See you in a few.

 

TG: dont be late

TT: A wizard is never late.

TG: <333

\--timaeusTestified (TT) ceased pestering tipsyGnostalgic () at 11:41 pm--

\--tipsyGnostalgic (TG) began pestering timaeusTestified () at 10:21 am--

TG: can u do me a solid

TG: & edit my fic

TT: If you can send the correct file this time.

TT: Not that I don’t appreciate opening up a 112 kb text document that turns out to be a ASCII art portrait of Remus Lupin.

TG: oh no thta was totes on purpose :3

TG: were u imprsesed??

TT: Strangely, yes.

TT: The shading on his mustache was fuckin’ insane.

TG: it tooks me like

TG: a day

TG: the stache I mean

TG: n e way heres the fix

TG: *pffthaha fic

\--tipsyGnostalgic (TG) sent timaeusTestified (TT) ‘calmasistance.txt’—

TT: Clever.

TT: What’s next, Calmasistem of a Down?

TG: u mad genius

TG: *hurriedly writes that down *

TT: Hm.

TG: wut

TT: Jake's calling me.

TG: woah

TG: like 

TG: on ur phone

TT: Yes.

TG: ansrew it omfg

TT: Got it.

TG: u gotta talk 2 me dirk

TG: keep meh in the know 

TG: wats he sayin

TT: He wants to know if I did the homework.

TT: This is a thing, right? Bros calling bros?

TG: i call u

TT: Yes.

TG: i call jaen

TT: Okay.

TG: jake to my knoledge has nvr called me

TT: Got it.

TG: just talk 2 him 

TG: & ima need a transciprt after :3

TT: No prob.

\--timaeusTestified (TT) is now an idle chum! --

The thing about Jake English is

(there were a fuckton of things about jake english, but most of them give Dirk wicked headaches to think about. He vaguely wishes for the days when the only things that made his heart skip were circuit boards and cheap renaissance fair swords.)

The thing about Jake English, the main thing, the thing that kept Dirk awake at night, was this:

>At the height of a good day, when they were all cracking up and having the goddamn time of their lives, Jake's eyes would sort of get this lost look, like he was expecting something else.

As if to say, 

Is this it?

So it's not really all that surprising when Jake shows up at his door one clear morning and says, 

"Put on your hiking boots, won't you, and then we'll be off."

Dirk, distantly, recognizes that it is a school day, and he has at least two tests today, and that his hair is a mess.

He also realizes that Jake does not look as though he actually cares what Dirk's hair looks like.

This is at once relieving and depressing.

"Coffee first," says Dirk, and lets him in.

yo where r u guys

-text sent from Roxy Lalonde (RL) to Dirk Strider (), 12:33 pm

janes flipping a tit

text sent from Roxy Lalonde (RL) to Dirk Strider (DS), 12:33 pm

"You skip school today?" his bro asks, not looking up from the typewriter.

Dirk considers not answering. It's a dumb question.

"Yeah.”

“Where’d you go?”

"Out."

"Christ," says his bro, viciously tapping at a few keys. "Get this: I actually thought about cleaning up for a few fatal seconds.  Changed my mind pretty goddamn quickly. Did you know there're swords in the--"

"Yeah."

"Just making sure."

"When do you leave?" asks Dirk, and it comes out all wrong. His bro stops typing.

"Tonight, I guess."

It's quiet after that.

iv.

Some poor sap has challenged me to a duel.

-text sent from Jake English (JE) to Dirk Strider (), 2:46 pm

By this i of course mean they said blustered their way through a sentence that gave off the general vibe of ‘fight me.’

-text sent from Jake English (JE) to Dirk Strider (), 2:47 pm

Should I alert the presses?

-text sent from Dirk Strider (DS) to Jake English (JE), 2:54 pm

Id be bloody grateful seeing as how carnage of this magnitude shant be seen again on gods green earth.

-text sent from Jake English (JE) to Dirk Strider (DS), 2:55 pm

Dude’s getting into a fight.

-text sent from Dirk Strider (DS) to Jane Crocker (), 2:55 pm

Help me talk him out of it!!

-text sent from Jane Crocker (JC) to Dirk Strider (), 2:56 pm

Will do.

-text sent from Dirk Strider (DS) to Jane Crocker (JC), 2:57 pm

Good luck, bro.

-text sent from Dirk Strider (DS) to Jake English (JE), 2:57 pm

yo i herd theres gonna be a fight after school

-text sent from Roxy Lalonde (RL) to Dirk Strider (DS), 2:58 pm

Guess who one of the contenders is.

-text sent from Dirk Strider (DS) to Roxy Lalonde (), 2:59 pm

jakey omg yess i luv this kid

-text sent from Roxy Lalonde (RL) to Dirk Strider (DS), 3:01

u gonna watch?

-text sent from Roxy Lalonde (RL) to Dirk Strider (DS), 3:02 pm

Nah.

-text sent from Dirk Strider (DS) to Roxy Lalonde (RL), 3:03 pm

They sit side by side in the principal’s office.

“I’m gonna say nine days suspension,” says Dirk.

“Nonsense, negative Nancy. I daresay we’ll wiggle out of this with five days at most.”

“Nine days suspension along with community service.”

“Oh god,” says Jake. “Is that the sort of thing where you volunteer at food banks?”

“Yes.”

“I might die.”

Dirk says nothing. Jake gives him a punch in the arm.

“Cheer up, Strider, I haven’t laid eyes on ferocity like that since my dogfighting days.”

“Yeah, well,” says Dirk.

\--tipsyGnostalgic (TG) began pestering timaeusTestified (TT) at 4:21 pm--

TG: wats the verdict u criminal scum

TT: 80 years to life.

TG: pfft

TG: ok no rly

TT: Few days suspension. Got my license suspended too.

TG: aw balls

TT: Yeah.

TG: it was totes wrorth it tho

TT: Fuck yes it was.

TG: u shouldve seen the look on jakes face

TG: all takin on thses five guys

TG: an allofa sudden

TG: whoosh

TG: outta nowere

TG: u come in

TG: an kick ass

TT: I merely evened the odds.

TT: I have to go, Jake is trying to sit on my ugly couch.

TG: the one w/ the springs

 

TG: gogogo

TG: snog his brains out

TT: That's not going to happen.

TT: But props for that disgusting visual.

\--timaeusTestified (TT) ceased pestering tipsyGnostalgic (TG) at 4:29 pm--

Afterwards Jake sits on Dirk’s ugly couch and isn’t very good at Modern Warfare 3.

“It’s almost an art form,” Dirk tells Jake, who has been replaying the same level seven times.

“What is?” 

“How much you suck.”

Jake grins at the television.

“Fuck you, Strider.”

v.

Jane’s 18th birthday party is an exercise in goodbyes.

Dirk sits and smokes while Jake and Roxy have a loud, messy drinking contest that ends with them dancing on the table, butchering a Tolkien drinking song. 

“But the only brew for the brave and—shit, oh my god, stop laughing.”

“True! Brave and true, comes from the, the— mother of god, I can’t even--"

“Green fucking Dragon, Mr. English, dance with me!”

They hook arms and try a few steps of a merry folk dance before dissolving into helpless laughter. Jane sits by Dirk and grins and grins, her cheeks red.

“Hope your dad won’t mind about the furniture.”

“They’ve done worse.”

“Janey, Jane,” Roxy says, clambering off the table, “you gots to make a toast!”

“Er,” says Jane.

“Yes, quite so!” says Jake, raising his glass from his perch on the table.  

“Speech, Bilbo,” Dirk says, smiling a little when Jane glares at him.

She rolls her eyes and gets up, taking Roxy’s shot glass.

“You three are absolutely ridiculous,” she says. “Thank you all for doing your homework and only skipping school once in a while.” 

They golf-clap and she takes a little curtsy.

“I’ve got to drink this now, don’t I?” she asks, glancing into the shot glass. “Ugh.” She tilts her head back and quickly finishes it off; spluttering and pulling faces after.

At 2:21 am, after the final off-key chorus of Happy Birthday to You, Jane Crocker goes to blow out the candles and make a wish.

At 2:22 am, she picks out the candles and offers the painstakingly frosted rose on the top to Roxy Lalonde, who accepts and leans close to the cake.

At 2:22:23 am, Jane Crocker reasserts her seat on the pranking throne by smushing Roxy Lalonde's face into the cake.

At 2:22:45 am, Roxy Lalonde seeks revenge by scooping up handfuls of frosting and chasing Jane Crocker around the dining room.

At 2:23:21 am, covered in cake crumbs and frosting, Roxy Lalonde flings her sticky arms around Jane Crocker and gives her the least-platonic birthday kiss in recorded history.

At 2:23:30 am, once recovered from the initial shock, brain fuzzy from sleep-deprivation and cake shots, Jane Crocker kisses back.

(Dirk is certain that it is the half dozen jello shots in him that wish to wolf-whistle and triumphantly cry "I fucking told you so" at everyone who crosses his path [ie, Jake]. Instead he sits on a couch and reads _Where The Wild Things Are_ to Jake, who is half-asleep and therefore ignorant of any and all cake-kissing shenanigans.)

"And they roared their terrible roars," says Dirk, "and they gnashed their terrible teeth."

"I adore this book, Strider," says Jake, legs propped up on Dirk's lap. "I adore parties. I adore the world. Let's go on a walk."

"How about no."

"Fuck your unfun visage," says Jake, flipping him the bird. "You disgust me, you primordial berk! Where the is your sense of adventure?"

"You're drunk."

"Oh, well done," says Jake, interlacing his fingers on his stomach. "Well done indeed, old boy. Yes, I believe I am. That tends to happen when one quaffs several shots of vodka in an attempt to best Roxy in anything. A foolhardy idea."

"I beat her at Mario Party 7 once."

"Pure chance."

Dirk is, strangely, miserable. 

Jake nudges him in the ribs with his foot.

"I beg of you, stop thinking so much," says Jake. "You'll go bald."

"Dude. You can't ask me to stop thinking so much. As terrifying as the prospect of imminent baldness is, to stop thinking would require a massive derailment of my train of thought so large it would result in a fiery smoldering crash. No survivors, Jake. No survivors. Is that what you want?"

>Jake chuckles.

"Stupid twat, you make no sense sometimes."

Something in Dirk's chest twists.

"Quit being a sentimental asshole," says Dirk. 

"It's a party! We've had several more drinks than is probably advisable! I am therefore allowed to place my legs on your lap and be nostalgic!"

"That is not the definition of party."

"That is _the_ definition of party."

"Oh, wait," says Dirk, glancing around. "I'm alone in a dark room at night with a boy. Guess it is a typical high school party. All we need is some cocaine to snort off of our MCR CD cases and a pregnancy scare."

"My grandmother would, in all likelihood, chop my balls off if I got a bird pregnant." 

"Don't fuck any ostriches, then."

"I find it hard to resist the sordid temptation. It's their necks, Strider. Their necks."

"You are a sick man."

Dirk's phone buzzes. 

"Your lap is vibrating," Jake tells him. "Might want to get that looked at."

(there's a moment in there, somewhere, and they just sort of look at each other and it's fucking unbearable.)

"I'm gonna go," says Dirk.

/p>

\--tipsyGnostalgic (TG) began pestering timaeusTestified () at 6:32 am--

TG: f dksfdsh

TG: ggrjghhf...///f;s

TG: SADJASFsjfldjsgkldjgHDSJFA

TT: No, you didn't dream it.

TT: No, she wasn't *that* drunk.

TT: Yes, she also contacted me the minute she woke up to verify the reality of what happened.

TG: i jufnjskghdjkgh

TT: Admittedly, her anxious inquiries were a hella lot more comprehensive.

TG: jane

TT: Yes.

TG: an me

TT: Yes.

TG: i kissed her

TT: Very yes.

TG: amd shes 

TG: okay with this???????????

TT: Call her.

TG: nope nope nooe 

TT: Roxy, for Christ's sake. Put us all out of our misery.

TG: ok

TG: okay

TG: five mins

TT: Fine.

TT: Oh holy shit can this morning get any more ridiculous.

TG: wut

TT: DEFCON 1.

TG: wait lemme check the chart

TG: holy fuck

TG: meteros???

TT: No. The other one. 

TG: oh my gof

TT: He knows.

TG: omfg no 

TG: how can he kno

TG: jesus fdick

TT: Help.

TG: ok ok ok 

TG: uhhh

TG: u got 2 optionsd

TG: fight or flee

TG: either tell hmf 

TG: yessir mister onglish

TG: i *do* want to suck ur tonsilz rite outta ur throar

TT: What's the other option?

TG: u bloe it off

TG: nvr speak of it again

TG: :(

TT: There isn't a third choice, is there.

TG: i guess runnin away from home

TG: & joining a cricus

TG: *circus

TT: Hm.

TG: lolno dont do thta

TG: circus food s nasty

TT: All right.

TT: I'm gonna go talk to him.

TT: I'll text you if I decide to become a carny.

TG: good ruck <3


End file.
